my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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