I'm sorry my penis didn't work
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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