I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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