you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
