u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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