she looked like the bat from fern gully.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
