I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
