I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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