Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
