My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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