My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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