last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
