just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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