Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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