Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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