WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
