Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
there was a trapeze. enough said
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
