I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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