Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
