i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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