I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
