I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
A+ Viking dick
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
