i wish my penis had a tongue
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Dear god my vagina.
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