Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
