My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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