it wasn't lemon gatorade
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
