Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
