My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
