I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
