She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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