Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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