Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
