I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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