I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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