when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
