A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize