How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize