My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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