and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
