Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
