areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
