I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
how does that bad decision feel?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
