when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
