just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
