I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
