Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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