I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
