I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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