Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
