Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
