Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
