I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
