I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
