i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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