I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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